OOoooommmmm. That is my best effort at meditation. God, this confinement is painful. I know some people are loving it, but I will be honest and say that I can’t wait for schools to be open.
Twelve sessions of chemotherapy and twenty-five sessions of radiotherapy were nothing compared to this. I have also started on Tamoxifen which seems to be affecting me by letting my fuse go from 0 to 100 at the touch of a nerve, of which my child gets on many!
His behaviour has also been less than savoury, of which I have no doubt is a direct reflection of my changing moods. There is also the challenge of social isolation. Much as siblings at this age fight with each other non-stop, that company is invaluable and something that he is missing.
Boys best friend…
He has pretty much taken on the dog as his brother. Despite constant reminders, treating the dog as a human being is making that relationship challenging too. One minute he loves him to death, the next minute he wants to get rid of him. At the same time though, it is company other than me, the mother who is full of beans one day and struggles to get out of bed the next.
I have also found that my bones and joints are aching. I had started back doing gentle running. Just 3 times a week for twenty minutes with the dog, but it got to the point where my knees were killing me. Instead, I am going to try to do a little bit of Joe Wicks a few times a week on Youtube. My hope is that this will build up the muscles around my joints before moving onto running.
If the drugs don’t work…
I think I need to give the Tamoxifen three months and then see where I am from there. An alternative to Tamoxifen is to get my ovaries removed. The thought of yet another surgery however, is less than pleasant. I did broach this with my surgeon back in September. He felt that at 45, the risk of Osteoporosis by having no hormones running through my body was greater than the benefit of having them removed. However, quality of life is not just a physical thing, it is also mental. Probably more so really, and if you put both of those in the scales, I would rather be clear and present now, during the formative years of my son’s life, than, let’s face it, a mentalist! 😊
So, all in all, we are having our good days and our bad days during confinement. Good days involve playing Monopoly, pretending to ride roller coasters on Youtube and taking walks with the dog where the world and his wife are discussed. Bad days involve energy depletion, shouting and lots of breathing.
I have found a really good, just 10 minute meditation on the ‘Insight Timer’ app which I am now trying to do every day. I think sometimes with meditation, it is the thought that you need to be sat in the ‘Om’ position for hours at a time which is off-putting. Instead this one is just 10 minutes.
I think this is probably much more realistic in terms of the amount of time we have to commit to something. It is called ‘Morning Meditation with Music’ by Jonathan Lehmann, and I have to say, I think it does help. It goes through 7 affirmations that you should try to commit to everyday. In those moments when you feel the red mist descending, by breathing in and out and smiling like a demon at the same time, it does help the moment to pass. You do look like a crazed clown mind, so maybe try not to do it in the middle of the supermarket.